Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
