Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
