I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
