i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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