My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
