i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you traded sex for a burrito?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
