he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
