Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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