fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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