Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
