So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
