If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I intend to get homeless drunk
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
