How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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