I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
