i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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