There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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