Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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