Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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