Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
