I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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