i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
