Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
