Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
