You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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