I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
