I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
