Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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