This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
