The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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