I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
