Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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