She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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