Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
