i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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