3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
