Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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