Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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