Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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