was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I currently don't understand fingers.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
