Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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