you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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