all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
