maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
