He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
