I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
