he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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