dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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