headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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