Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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