You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
