Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
