You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
