Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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