I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
