new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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