My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
