allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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