the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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