you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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