So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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