Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
