Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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